One essential consideration in meaningful caregiving
Are you fixing, helping, or serving?
What is the distinction among these, and why does it matter? Understanding the sometimes subtle distinctions among fixing, helping, and serving is one essential consideration for meaningful caregiving; it makes a world of difference in how effectively you show up as a caregiver. Even more, considering the difference between these three will help you feel more fulfilled, effective, and inspired.
In this article, we will take a deeper look at what Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen teaches us about the power of recognizing the difference between fixing, helping, and serving. Remen is the Clinical Professor of Family and Community Medicine at the UCSF School of Medicine and New York Times bestselling author of Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal and My Grandfather’s Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging.
“Fixing and helping create a distance between people, but we cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected.”
First, let’s explore the nuance among these three terms, which can appear quite similar at first glance.
How “helping” can cause hurt
While our efforts to help others often arise from the best intentions, the notion of helping is itself rooted in inequality. In helping, we consciously or unconsciously see the other person as weaker and needier than us. Too often, the person whom we are helping can feel this imbalance–this sense of being looked down upon.
Moreover, this feeling of being looked down upon or disregarded can be particularly painful for a loved one with dementia. At a time when they are likely already feeling confused, powerless, and frightened–grasping for their sense of identity and worth–our well-meaning efforts may unintentionally diminish the other person’s sense of value and dignity.
How to transform helping into something more meaningful
Before hastily jumping in to handle every detail or decision for your loved one, pause. Then, consider whether this is a time to offer them even the tiniest opportunity to do something themselves or to offer input on their personal preferences.
While you gauge your loved one’s capacity at this stage, be mindful that you don’t underestimate it or assume you already know what it is.
Even if you can do something faster than your loved one, it doesn’t mean you necessarily should. Remember to consider each time you’re trying to “help” whether you might, in each case, be hurting more than you are truly helping.
Now that we have a better understanding of helping let’s take a closer look at some potential pitfalls of fixing.
To start, Dr. Remen reminds us that the attitude of “fixing” tends to imply that the other person is somehow broken. When we fix, we respond to this perception of brokenness by offering our capabilities and expertise.
In fixing mode, we often operate at a distance. Fixing can present as judging and evaluating the other person in a detached way, seeing and dissecting their parts but not beholding their wholeness.
When we rely on our own expertise, others may experience us as “on high.” Fixing can also prevent you from attuning to the wholeness of the other person or trusting the integrity of the vitality in them.
Furthermore, when we take on the sole attitude of “fixing,” we dehumanize others and lose authentic, heartfelt connection. What we think is loving can come across as cold, indifferent, and even degrading.
While the rest of the world will often deprive our loved one of a sense of their humanity, we need to be careful our earnest desire to “fix” does not do more of the same.
As you navigate the most effective way to be there for your loved one, let’s look at how serving supports wholeness in you and your loved one.
When we serve, we don’t serve merely with our strength; we serve with our whole selves. This means we don’t come from “on high,” but rather, we acknowledge our own fears, limitations, and pain. We connect with our own vulnerabilities and humanness.
Moreover, when you serve, you operate from a shared space of empathy (“I feel you, and we’re in this together”) rather than a place of pity (“poor them”). Thus, service inspires genuine compassion and fosters deeper, more authentic connectedness with our loved one.
In conclusion, helping, fixing, and serving can all look alike on the outside. It is the inner experience that differs and is essential for effective caregiving.
Over time, fixing and helping can be draining. Service, however, can often inspire and renew us because it focuses continually on wholeness–our own and that of those we serve.
When we serve, we see and trust the wholeness in our loved one. We affirm it. We respond to it. We partner with it. When we see the wholeness in our loved one, we fortify it. We also foster a sense of wholeness in ourselves, allowing us to be fully human in how we show up as caregivers.
Ultimately, authentic service is not simply an exertion of personal will, strength, or expertise but rather a sacred experience of humility and surrender–an experience of mystery and awe.
As you consider opportunities to serve, remember that serving only happens when we are intimately connected with those we serve. As Mother Teresa teaches, “We serve life, not because it is broken, but because it is holy.”
Nhien Vuong, J.D., M. Div. is an international Enneagram presenter and the founder of Evolving Enneagram, a community-centered organization whose mission is to transform human ecosystems around the globe using a contemplative approach to the Enneagram. A former Stanford-trained attorney and ordained interspiritual Unity minister, Nhien marries a wealth of insight with deep compassion to support our conscious evolution.