Coping with caregiver guilt
Learn how to respond constructively to caregiver guilt
Caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's or dementia draws on the noblest parts of yourself. It asks you to give and give and then give some more–often without expecting anything in return. Even a smile or a thank you can sometimes feel like a massive gift. Not only this but even as you serve, you are watching your loved one’s health deteriorate. You are giving it your all even as you are experiencing and anticipating your own profound loss.
Despite countless hours of toil, headaches, and heartache, caregivers report feeling guilty most of the time. Justified or not, signs of unaddressed guilt can include defensiveness, negative mood, and avoidance of situations or people that remind you of the feeling. You might spiral into dark thoughts and even resent the loved one you care so deeply about.
Even if often misplaced, guilt feelings are normal – even expected – for caregivers. Learning how to face your guilty feelings and realize the gift in them is key to being an effective, whole-hearted caregiver. In this article, I address how to resolve guilt and take back your power constructively.
Step one: Face the guilt head-on
Feeling guilty is not itself a problem – even if it sometimes feels like it is! The biggest problems arise when you ignore your guilt. Like most negative experiences, guilt is crippling when it stays hidden in the shadows of our lives. Though some of us may prefer to hide our heads in the sand when we feel guilt, ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. In fact, according to Psychology Today, unresolved guilt can have quite debilitating effects on our lives. We can become self-punishing as guilt becomes a bullying voice in our heads. We can lose joy in all areas of our lives. We can also end up avoiding – emotionally or physically – those we feel we have wronged.
So, begin by taking a moment to place your hands on your heart and face your guilty feelings head-on. Do this in a private place, if at all possible – a place where you can sob or scream, in case you might need to. This is not about wallowing in pain or self-pity. It is about healthily expressing feelings, which is human and even healing!
Imagine your guilt being encircled by your own acceptance and compassion. Whether or not you fell short of the mark (or only believe you did), as a caregiver, you need and deserve care, respect, and compassion – especially from yourself! If you are spiritual or religious, you can also take a moment to invite in some divine grace or loving-kindness. It can be helpful to remember that fully accepting compassion for yourself is NOT the same as legitimizing your behavior, which might or might not have been out of alignment with your values.
Step two: Take a reality check
The second step to constructively coping with guilt is to take an honest, realistic assessment of what happened (or is happening) that is driving your guilt. It is essential you don’t gloss over this issue. Instead, make the time to really assess your situation. Better yet, talk it out with someone who can give you a neutral and objective view, such as a counselor or your Steadii Advocate. Friends or family might be able to help as well but be aware that, too often, their own personal interests can bias their perspective.)
As you evaluate whether the standards you apply to yourself are realistic versus unreasonable or even impossible, remember that feelings are not facts. Your feelings of guilt don’t mean that you actually fell short of the mark.
As you face the nagging voice head-on, ask it directly: Why should I feel guilty? What do I think I “should” have done that I didn’t do? Is that realistic? Be aware that, as a caregiver, you’re most likely applying unrealistic standards to yourself. In what way did my action or choice support my values?
In looking more objectively at your situation, you might also consider whether you fall into the “sandwich generation,” the population of caregivers who care for aging relatives while raising their own children. “Sandwich generation” caregivers often have more stressors than their non-caregiving peers – emotional, physical, and financial. It can feel overwhelming as the growing list of demands seems to outpace the hours in a day. Too often, while sandwich generation caregivers spend time caring for their aging relatives, they feel guilty for not being there for their children or spouse, and vice versa.
Rather than default to feeling guilty whenever you are attending to one responsibility and not another, determine the realistic proportion of time and energy you will allocate to each. Recognize that your own overwhelm is a clue your standards have been unreasonable. Why would you impose on yourself standards that are humanly impossible to meet and then guilt yourself for not meeting them? Rather than condemn yourself for violating your standards, create more realistic and humane ones. When you keep to your own integrity, you’ll also find that others’ opinions or approval will matter less and less.
Now, if you determine that your standards were realistic and you did violate your values, remind yourself that accepting who you are is different from accepting what you did. In this case, feeling guilty for what you did is a sign you are a caring person. Again, feelings are not facts, but they are good signals!
As a researcher, vulnerability expert, and author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené Brown comments, "I'm just going to say it: I'm pro-guilt. Guilt is good. Guilt helps us stay on track because it's about our behavior. It occurs when we compare something we've done – or failed to do – with our values."
As part of Step two, then, you are striving to gain clarity on your personal values and setting an intention to live in greater integrity with those values. Practically speaking, this might mean a sincere apology is in order or what is known as a “living amends,” or both.
Rather than making empty apologies, repeating old behaviors, and re-opening old wounds, commit to living so that your error isn’t likely to be repeated. This is one way you can make “living amends.” This is not about being perfect. However, it is about being committed to systematically improving how you show up.
For instance, perhaps you were late, forgetful, or neglectful. If so, rather than merely apologize for what might be the tenth time, you might implement automatic reminders into your electronic calendar or add other accountability checks to help you show up in a more timely and consistent manner. Living amends are about demonstrating the sincerity of your apology through concentrated and dedicated effort. This focused effort to change – whether it is about changing your unrealistic standards or your faulty pattern of behavior – leads us to step three.
Step three: Focus on the now and the next
If you dwell on the past, you can become buried under its weight, rendering you even less effective as a caregiver. Always remember that guilt is not your enemy. It’s your teacher and can offer lessons and gifts for your life. However, those gifts are never for the past; they are only for the present and ultimately for the future. After all, as author, Melanie Koulouris comments: "There is no sense in punishing your future for the mistakes of your past. Forgive yourself, grow from it, and then let it go."
In sum: feel the guilt, grow from it, then let it go
Remember that guilt is a common feeling in the landscape of caregiving. When ignored, however, it can poison your caregiving relationship, undermining even your best efforts each day. When faced fully and with self-compassion, however, guilt can help you to readjust your efforts, realign with your core values, and ultimately help you to be the best caregiver you can be.
When you find yourself feeling guilty, instead of letting those feelings fester, you can respond constructively using these steps, applying them as often as you need to:
First, give yourself permission and space to compassionately face and feel your own difficult feelings.
Second, with the help of an objective party, if possible, evaluate the validity of your guilty feelings. Were you setting impossible standards for yourself? Was there an area where you could improve or make “living amends”?
Third and finally, remember that guilt has a gift in it but only if you’re willing to receive the lesson and let the rest go.
Feel the guilt. Grow from it. Then let it go.
Nhien Vuong, J.D., M. Div. is an international Enneagram presenter and the founder of Evolving Enneagram, a community-centered organization whose mission is to transform human ecosystems around the globe using a contemplative approach to the Enneagram. A former Stanford-trained attorney and ordained interspiritual Unity minister, Nhien marries a wealth of insight with deep compassion to support our conscious evolution.