Constructive anger in caregiving
If you are a caregiver and are experiencing anger and feeling concerned about it, recognize that caregiver anger is normal, common, and understandable. Learn how to shine a light on your anger and direct that energy constructively.
Anger is one of the most primary and universal feelings we experience as humans. Caregivers in particular, might experience their anger in different ways. For some, it might register as an underlying irritation over every little noise or mistake that, unaddressed over time, grows into fury or frustrated despair. For others, it might feel as if we are completely calm and fine until the moment we’re not, and then we’re as surprised as everyone else by the strength of our sudden outburst.
Still, for others, anger shows up as grinding our teeth or muttering under our breath as we engage in our caregiving tasks with a resentful attitude that poisons even our most well-intentioned efforts and hard work. These are just a few of the ways that anger might show up destructively—and often unconsciously—along the caregiving journey.
If you are a caregiver and are experiencing anger and feeling concerned about it, recognize that caregiver anger is normal, common, and understandable. It is not a sign that you’re a terrible person or that anything is fundamentally wrong with you. This is true even if your anger is primarily directed at your loved one—namely, the person you love and intimately care for.
In this article, you will learn how to shine a more understanding and compassionate light on your anger and use it constructively.
To start, anger itself is a feeling and feelings are neutral. Too often, however, when family caregivers open up about their emotions, they share their feelings of stress, sadness, and depression but neglect to bring up their anger, impatience, and even rage. According to licensed clinical psychologist and Director of Memory Care at TheKey, Shadi Gholizadeh, PhD, MPH:
“Socially and culturally, anger isn’t viewed as an appropriate emotion when caring for a loved one, so people feel ashamed and judge themselves for having it. They may try to squash down their anger and resentment, but it’s like a Whac-A-Mole game—it keeps popping up.”
In reality, it is when we try to resist or repress our anger, react impulsively from our anger, or otherwise do not address our angry feelings in a direct and constructive way that it often shows up in the most damaging ways. Indeed, when angry feelings are left unchecked and improperly managed, anger can have a devastating impact on our relationships, efficacy, and opportunities, as well as our physical and mental health— and ultimately our ability to be genuinely compassionate and effective caregivers.
Constructive vs. destructive anger
Anger itself is not bad. How we process and channel our anger, however can make a huge difference in whether we build bridges or burn them. In the article entitled “The Difference Between Constructive and Destructive Anger,” Dr. Carlos Todd, Ph.D., LCMHC, who specializes in anger management, helps to clarify the difference between constructive and destructive expressions of anger. According to Dr. Todd, destructive anger, which often includes volatile and explosive anger, tends to feel strong, cause stress and trauma, can further complicate situations, and be uncontrollable.
In contrast, constructive anger tends to feel more subtle, is healing, and can aid us in understanding the situation better. Dr. Todd explains:
“Constructive anger is therapeutic which means it can help you better understand your circumstances, others, and yourself.
Furthermore, for anger to be productive and managed, a person must be conscious of it and acknowledge their own and others’ needs. Here, your anger is channeled to gain control of the situation and retain your self-respect.”
In short, the key to productive and managed anger is first being conscious of our anger and acknowledging the needs behind it. We do this, first of all, by shining a light on our anger.
Shine a light on your anger
Rather than ignore or avoid anger, it’s important to shine a light on it, particularly how it is expressed in and through you. There are (at least) four main ways anger can typically be expressed. Consider your own anger responses which of the below fits you most in the caregiving context:
Reactive anger tends to arise when, for example, we are cut off on the highway and have a “quick fuse” response that is often followed by shame or embarrassment.
Volcanic anger tends to occur as the result of repeatedly “turning the other cheek” to small slights until they build up and we explode.
Passive-aggressive anger can often show up through snide back-handed remarks we make designed to show indirectly that we do not like or approve of how we have been treated but we do not feel willing or able to have a direct conversation about it.
Projecting anger happens when someone or something upsets us, but we project or unload that anger onto someone else, a pet, or a completely unrelated issue.
Once we come to see the ways our own anger is most likely to show up, we will do a better job of gaining some distance and perspective on it instead of simply reacting to it or from it. Instead of judging yourself for your anger, or finding ways to blame anyone or anything else, see if you can simply notice more often where and when the feeling starts to arise. Observing your anger compassionately and without judgment is a key way to begin to manage your anger rather than letting your anger manage you.
When you notice anger, excuse yourself from the triggering circumstance, if possible, and find a private space (even a bathroom stall if needed). Take a few deep breaths, count to ten (it’s cliché but it works), and move on to this next step, which will help you delve more deeply into your anger response by welcoming it.
Welcome your anger
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Jalaluddin Rumi
The idea of welcoming anger can seem counterintuitive. Anger can already tend to feel bad, wild, scary, and out of control. Why give more space to this feeling?
First, it is important to reevaluate and reframe our relationship with anger. To even begin using anger constructively, it is important to continually remind yourself: Anger itself is not bad, and anger is not my enemy. Anger can, in fact, be a key ally in caregiving and in life.
Anger is here for an important reason. Anger originates from the “fight” component of our “fight, flight or freeze” biological instinct. Anger is primal. It is designed to be your alarm system, to keep you safe from threats and harm.
In our modern world, this often translates not only to actual physical harm but also psychological harm. We get angry when we feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically attacked (whether or not the attack is real or just perceived). Your anger is not your enemy. It is here to signal to you that you need to take action to change your environment so you can feel safe – physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Again, the main problem with anger is not simply that we feel it. It’s how we channel anger that helps or harms. Anger can certainly be destructive and violent and can also be inspiring and life-giving—depending on how we process and direct it. This is why it is essential to make room to feel and fully process our anger – ideally in private (like in that bathroom stall) first and then later in the company of a trusted confidant. If you feel uncomfortable opening up to anyone in your inner circle, consider reaching out to your Steadii advocate or ask for support in the Steadii community.
Before sharing with others to help you process your anger externally, be sure to give yourself space to process it internally – by yourself. Do your best to remove yourself from any immediate trigger, take a few deep breaths, count to ten (again, if you need to), and then take at least five to ten minutes to welcome the feeling of anger by focusing on how the feeling shows up in your body. The reason it is important to sense the anger in your body is that this exercise helps you to stay out of your head. You are not ready to analyze and problem-solve when your body is energetically triggered by anger. Take this important time to focus your attention on the pure sensation of anger in your body. Ask yourself:
What does this anger feel like as a physical sensation in my body?
If you lose focus and start analyzing or daydreaming, it can be helpful to describe the sensations to silently yourself (or, if it helps, to another person who can hold a silent, non-judgmental space for you). Notice, for instance: Does the anger feel like steam rising up your chest, a fire in your belly, or a tightness in your throat?
As you spend a few minutes simply being present with the felt-sense experience of this anger in your body, be careful not to start analyzing or trying to do something to change the feeling. Analyzing and trying to tell a story about our anger tends to only recycle and replay that anger. Impulsively reacting to our anger again often creates harm and can feed further conflict – and anger!
As soon as we analyze our feelings or take action based on a feeling, we are no longer feeling the feeling. Best you can, simply stay with the pure feeling. Also, feel free to (safely) punch or yell into a pillow if you feel moved to do so!
Welcoming your anger is about being willing to ride the discomfort of anger as a felt sense in your body in the present moment. By welcoming your anger, you are compassionately demonstrating to that triggered part of you: I see you. I feel you. I know you’re there.\
This welcoming practice is vital to the next step – namely, listening for the gifts that anger might have for you.
Identify the unmet needs behind your anger
“If you try to get rid of fear and anger without knowing their meaning, they will grow stronger and return.” - Deepak Chopra
“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.”
Starting in the early 1960s, American psychologist and international peacemaker Marshall Rosenberg developed nonviolent communication, a process for supporting connection and resolving conflict without resorting to violence. What he came to understand and teach globally is that anger is a messenger. More specifically, he taught that anger signals a legitimate human need that is seeking to be met.
Usually, people can quickly identify the outer or surface reason for their anger. Too often, however, blaming the surface reason keeps us disempowered since it often suggests something or someone else must change for our anger to be resolved. Here are just a couple of examples to illustrate how you might delve deeper into the core reasons for your anger.
You might, on the surface be furious that the inclusion criteria for a clinical trial are so stringent. Beneath this might be your legitimate but unmet need for safety (for your loved one) and perhaps even your need to feel competent. Maybe what you really need is reassurance that you’re doing a great job as a caregiver to give your loved one the best possible opportunities for their well-being. Your constructive action step might not be throwing the inclusion guidelines handbook against the wall. It might be seeking a second opinion to make sure you’ve done all that you can.
You might, on the surface, feel annoyed at your loved one when you see them making risky decisions. Beneath your desire to change their behavior might be your legitimate but unmet need for rest. The reality is that when you are tired, you tend to be more anxious and more likely to want to control other people’s decisions.
Anger is a helpful messenger – but only if you are willing to go beneath the surface of what your anger seems to be about. If you take the time to listen, anger will let you know what you are ignoring. It will show you when you are neglecting a fundamental need. If you haven’t taken time for yourself or haven’t been exercising or eating properly, you will tend to overreact to things you would normally handle well. Anger can also raise its head when you resist an aspect of life that you would be better off accepting. Maybe there is a place where you need to speak your truth.
Let your anger inspire meaningful and constructive action
“Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into a power which can move the whole world. ”
“There’s nothing wrong with anger provided you use it constructively.” - Wayne Dyer
Anger has tremendous energy. Anger doesn’t just give off a distress signal when we feel endangered. It also helps to light and fuel that fire within us that is needed to take skillful, responsive action.
Constructive anger can be the catalyst that helps you to fiercely advocate for your loved one. It can be the fuel that sustains your daily efforts to ensure your loved one’s room is livable. It can be the frustrated energy that pushes through bureaucracy to achieve important victories. It can be the voice that says: “enough!” and helps you set healthy boundaries for yourself. It can be the impetus to seek professional help because you’re tired of being a doormat. It can be the flame that fights for equity in the health care system.
In sum, remember that anger is not bad – and having anger does not make you a bad person or a bad caregiver. If anger is arising and demanding attention, give it your full attention. Feel it. Listen to it. Talk about it. Alone or with help from a friend or professional, discern the real meaning behind your anger, including what legitimate and basic needs of yours are literally crying out to be met. Once you identify what is needed, let your anger fuel wise, grounded, and inspired action.
Nhien Vuong, J.D., M. Div. is an international Enneagram presenter and the founder of Evolving Enneagram, a community-centered organization whose mission is to transform human ecosystems around the globe using a contemplative approach to the Enneagram. A former Stanford-trained attorney and ordained interspiritual Unity minister, Nhien marries a wealth of insight with deep compassion to support our conscious evolution.