Caregiving within the context of a difficult relationship

Caregiving can be a roller coaster under the best of circumstances. What happens when we care for someone with whom we have a complicated relationship?

In this post written by two of our Steadii advocates, we will consider a couple of scenarios caregivers find themselves in and discuss strategies for coping. 

Do you find yourself in one of these two scenarios? 

Scenario one: When the relationship was complicated before you became their caregiver

Sometimes, our relationships with loved ones are not full of the sunshine and rainbows we might wish they were. Perhaps your background with your loved one involves some traumas, betrayals, or even just plain complications. 

Whatever the situation, it can be really hard to care for someone who has hurt you. We may feel resentful, which can also lead to feelings of guilt. You may wonder: Why did other people get to have a good relationship with their person, but you didn’t? You may have held onto hope that someday you’d get the closure you longed for, which no longer feels possible. Or, you may even be facing some grief around the relationship you wish you’d had.

Scenario two: The relationship has become complicated since you became their caregiver

Dementia and other life-altering conditions are different for everyone. You may have had a great relationship with your person previously, but in the throes of this experience, it might feel like they have turned on you. They might blame you for their current reality or express some resentment. Perhaps, they don’t even remember who you are and seem to take everything out on you. 

Recognize that you may be grieving the relationship that was. After all, this doesn’t feel anything like the person you once knew, and you may really miss them. It can be a struggle to feel hurt by someone you love, especially when you feel an obligation to care for them and not take it personally. It’s challenging to separate the current reality from the past as you grieve the relationship you once had.

Whether you find yourself in one of these situations or a similar, somewhat more nuanced one, here are some strategies for coping: 

1. Allow all your feelings. If you are experiencing complicated feelings, please know they are real and valid. Allow yourself to feel them. You do a disservice to yourself when you feel the need to avoid, ignore, or glaze over your experiences. You are not betraying your loved one by recognizing that you are facing a difficult situation. Rather, you are allowing yourself an opportunity to process and heal. Acknowledging that what you are experiencing can be very challenging will enable you to re-approach your situation better.
   
   You may be feeling multiple things at once because these scenarios are not simple and straightforward. That’s okay. Give yourself space to explore all of the things you may be feeling, and consider whether you might want to practice forgiving your person - not to eliminate or excuse any wrongs - but to allow yourself an opportunity to continue moving forward.
   

2. Communicate about your whole experience including the good and the bad. You don’t have to share every detail with everyone. However, you are allowed to share your experiences. If your family and friends don’t understand, you may consider speaking to an outside party. Nevertheless, remember that you and your experiences matter. Release the guilt and notion that you shouldn’t “complain” or “gossip.” Sharing your narrative can be a powerful tool to help you work through your thoughts and emotions, which is a very necessary step for the situation you are in.
   

3. Give yourself space. Caregiving can lead you to feel like you must be present for your person, 24/7. This can serve to exacerbate the stress and negative feelings you are experiencing. Know that the world won’t end if you step outside for a few minutes. You and your person can both benefit from stepping away and taking a moment to process what you are experiencing. Consider taking time to breathe or practice calming exercises to recenter before going back. When you allow yourself a moment, you can act from a place where you can feel proud, rather than one dictated by the survival mode you may often find yourself in.
   

4. Talk or write it out. It can be helpful to process your emotions with another trusted person, such as a friend, a family member, or a clergyperson. Bottling up your feelings will only make things more challenging. If you don’t have someone you wish to talk to, consider journaling or writing it down. You could also write a letter to the person you are caring for, giving yourself the freedom to never share it with them. Express how you feel and what you would say to them if you could.
   

5. Acknowledge what you need. Give yourself time to do things that fill you up, that give you meaning and purpose.  Focusing on yourself can offer perspective, peace of mind, and respite from daily caregiving tasks even if it's just for a few minutes each day.
   

Remember, by showing up for yourself, you are making a powerful choice. Moreover, your character shines through the choices you make during this time. In these moments, remember that you are human. If you feel like you’ve faltered, remember there is room for grace in this process. Allow yourself to step back and breathe when you need to, and know that whatever you’re feeling in this situation is okay.