The power of words: How avoiding “just” and “should” can benefit caregivers

Caregivers are prime targets for feeling guilt and shame. In this article, you’ll learn one simple strategy for noticing when guilt and shame enter a conversation.

Photo by Piotr Łaskawski on Unsplash

Words are powerful, and they can also be sneaky. 

What may seem like an innocent word on the surface may lead to harmful messages in your head.

Let’s look at two little wolf words in sheep’s clothing that you’ve probably thought, heard, and spoken tens of thousands of times.

“Just” and “should”

Like ice cream, these words can be harmless in moderation and under the right circumstances. However, problems arise when these two words come attached with messages of guilt and shame.

What’s so bad about “just”?

Has anyone ever told you to “just be grateful for what you have” Or maybe you’ve told yourself to “just get over this” Phrases like this oversimplify your human experience and remove all sense of compassion from your situation.

In both examples above, with the word “just,” there’s a suggested sense of ease while simultaneously invalidating obstacles you might encounter. It’s as if “just being grateful” or “just getting over it” are guaranteed steps to success. In reality, life is much more complicated than that.

The problem with “should”

In addition, “should” is a word that often carries a weight of obligation and expectation. You may have thought, “I should be working harder” or “I should have prevented that problem.” These types of statements can be damaging to your self-worth and leave you feeling inadequate and like you’re not measuring up.

Furthermore, the word “should” also implies that there is a right and wrong way to do things while missing variables and complexity. Using “should” can lead to guilt and shame, even when doing your best with your scenario.

Lastly, “should” can cause you to focus on what you haven’t done instead of celebrating what you have accomplished. Missing out on the celebrations can take a toll on your long-term mental and emotional health and lead to an endless loop of shaming “should” statements.

Learning to let go of “just” and “should” 

The first step in letting go of these harmful words is to recognize when you’re using them. Take a moment to pause and reflect on how these words make you feel. Do they bring up feelings of guilt or shame? If so, it may be time to reframe your language.

Instead of saying, "just be grateful," try saying, "I understand this is difficult, and what is one thing I can be thankful for at this moment?" Making this shift acknowledges the challenges you're facing and highlights the things in your life that are going well.

Similarly, instead of saying, "I should be working harder," try saying, "I am doing the best I can, and that is enough." to focus on the effort you're putting in rather than the outcome.

Finally, it's important to remember that changing your language takes time and practice. Be patient, and don't be afraid to ask for help. You can learn to let go of these harmful words and embrace a more compassionate and empowering language with time and effort.